Good Day!

Well, I feel good again.  The other day I felt good, but was so scared something bad would happen or I'd get a massive down because of it.

I'm not sure why I think that way, but I always have.  Maybe it's because I feel I don't deserve it, or that's the way the universe works, or whatever, I've always felt the same.

Scared to look forward to good things, in case they don't happen, or I 'jinx' them by thinking positively.

On the other side of the scale, I do that thing, I've forgotten the word for it now, but it's like always believing that bad stuff will happen, always thinking the worst, that's an easy way to think.

To think positively is scary and hard.

But hopefully with practise, and more positive days to look back on where nothing bad happened because of it, I can learn that it's ok to feel positive and look forward to good things.

I will tag all my good days and take heart from them.

A Good Day

Without the crutch of alcohol my agoraphobia increased with a vengeance.

For years my safe place outside the house was my car, but after sobriety, even that didn't feel safe.

My panic attacks were unbearable, so I stopped going out.

This was in 2004, and apart from three trips I've not been out of the house since.

TODAY I LEFT THE HOUSE!

After a year therapy I left the house today!  I collected my 'safe' things to take with me, as discussed with my therapist.  In my bag I dutifully placed a cold bottled drink, my mobile and Ipod, my hands were shaking as I did it, my heart was racing and I felt like crying, but I was determined to do it this time.

To beat my demons bit by bit.

My therapist arrived, I waited for her at the gate in a bit of a state.  I took a few deep breathes and said, 'ok, lets go'.

We did one circuit and I opted to go for one more, I was so pleased the panic feelings kept to a minimum.

I didn't need my bottle of water, mobile phone or ipod that I took as comfort 'toys'.

Sober, and a trip out in the car.

A great day!

Yesterday

Yesterday was a good day for my new blog and new twitter. I made a few nice friends on twitter, got my first follower on my bog and a comment. Cool!

This blog was actually the idea of my therapist, she suggested it some time ago, but I kept putting it off, like you do, well I do. I'm very glad now I pushed myself to set it up and the twitter account.

I want to just write randomly, my present thoughts and my past experiences. She thinks it will help me to connect to real people on the Internet, as opposed to not so real ones I come into contact with when I role play in game worlds.

I feel embarrassed to say I role play in a game, I'm way past the age for playing games but it kinda sucked me in and my addictive nature didn't help.

The Internet is a big thing in my life, it's where I do my socialising, shopping, studying, banking and yes even game playing.

I belong to one other Internet group which is real people, but mostly I type messages to a screen and get messages back from people I've never met, will never meet and don't use their own names, only game names.

Nice to meet all you 'real' people.