I've been off line a bit with this blog and twitter, been busy with stuff and then just felt a bit down.
Had family argument, things said on both sides, but it puts me right back down to feeling like the crap mother I know I've been.
I know I deserve nothing from my children, but I'm lucky they love me and support me but the issues of the past can't help but sometimes to come up.
Please anyone reading this, if you have kids, please please try and stop drinking, it's the pits to be sober and know what you did to your kids by being drunk and stupid.
Please try.
Tuesday 24 May 2011
Friday 6 May 2011
Picture This
Sitting with my live in boyfriend, both drunk on a bottle of vodka each, but not drunk enough.
Look at the clock, panic, closing time, we've missed it.
We panic, we need more, thinks how to do this.
Go to a hotel, they're bound to have drink after hours. So we go, drive, to the nearest hotel, 3 star, nice place, we rock up drunk, trying to appear sober.
Book room, ring room service, ask for bottle of Vodka, get told it's £50 a bottle, forget the reason why, but for fuck sakes, £50 a fucking bottle man.
What did we do? We'd already paid over a ton for the room, we were that desperate we bought the bottle, and I added some Valium to the mix to at least get full benefit.
We were grubby, smelled of smoke, the guy looked disdainful, but left the bottle after being paid by cheque.
We started drinking, a row broke out, can't remember why, my live in boyfriend walked to the balcony, one floor up, next I heard crashing about in the trees below, I staggered up and looked over, saw him move and went back to lie on the bed to drink. He had jumped over but didn't know why.
For some reason I locked him out of the room, didn't want him back. He made his way back and started banging on the door, by this time I had emptied my pill bottle and hid the pills, throwing the empty bottle on the bed. I don't know why.
I let him in, he looked at the bottle and swore, asked me if I'd taken them, I just gazed at him, I could have answered but didn't. I don't know why.
He called an ambulance, lots of fuss early morning in hotel, they came and checked me out, I was ok.
I then slept.
We woke, feeling like death, stinking in clothes we'd slept in, stinking of booze and fags. We crept out, got in the car and drove home.
I knew I had to face my kids then, and their looks of disappointment and disgust. Felt like the worst shittiest mother in the world, basically I was.
That drink cost us near on £200, added to all the others caused a life time of regret. That's insanity!!
Look at the clock, panic, closing time, we've missed it.
We panic, we need more, thinks how to do this.
Go to a hotel, they're bound to have drink after hours. So we go, drive, to the nearest hotel, 3 star, nice place, we rock up drunk, trying to appear sober.
Book room, ring room service, ask for bottle of Vodka, get told it's £50 a bottle, forget the reason why, but for fuck sakes, £50 a fucking bottle man.
What did we do? We'd already paid over a ton for the room, we were that desperate we bought the bottle, and I added some Valium to the mix to at least get full benefit.
We were grubby, smelled of smoke, the guy looked disdainful, but left the bottle after being paid by cheque.
We started drinking, a row broke out, can't remember why, my live in boyfriend walked to the balcony, one floor up, next I heard crashing about in the trees below, I staggered up and looked over, saw him move and went back to lie on the bed to drink. He had jumped over but didn't know why.
For some reason I locked him out of the room, didn't want him back. He made his way back and started banging on the door, by this time I had emptied my pill bottle and hid the pills, throwing the empty bottle on the bed. I don't know why.
I let him in, he looked at the bottle and swore, asked me if I'd taken them, I just gazed at him, I could have answered but didn't. I don't know why.
He called an ambulance, lots of fuss early morning in hotel, they came and checked me out, I was ok.
I then slept.
We woke, feeling like death, stinking in clothes we'd slept in, stinking of booze and fags. We crept out, got in the car and drove home.
I knew I had to face my kids then, and their looks of disappointment and disgust. Felt like the worst shittiest mother in the world, basically I was.
That drink cost us near on £200, added to all the others caused a life time of regret. That's insanity!!
Thursday 5 May 2011
Blip
Since the 2nd April when I had my bad day, I've been fine again. I popped back up the very next day, so it seems maybe that my bad days aren't going on for so long as they used to.
Got a little balance back, but then today had rubbish stomach thing, felt totally fed up. Thank goodness for the Internet and my twitter friends whose conversations with me and others kept me occupied while feeling poop.
My daughter phoned up and said to phone her if I felt bad and wanted someone to speak to, she's so kind hearted and I love her so much, along with my other grown up children, and then my friend brought me dinner up and that felt so nice he cared.
I just really want to say that although I felt bad today I was surrounded in caring and love and it felt so good.
xx
Got a little balance back, but then today had rubbish stomach thing, felt totally fed up. Thank goodness for the Internet and my twitter friends whose conversations with me and others kept me occupied while feeling poop.
My daughter phoned up and said to phone her if I felt bad and wanted someone to speak to, she's so kind hearted and I love her so much, along with my other grown up children, and then my friend brought me dinner up and that felt so nice he cared.
I just really want to say that although I felt bad today I was surrounded in caring and love and it felt so good.
xx
Monday 2 May 2011
Bad Day
Yesterday was a bad day, I lost all my balance again. Balance seems hard for me. I know what I should be doing, but I just don't do it.
My ears were more noisy yesterday, I have tinnitus, still continuing today, I always have noise but sometimes it's worse than others.
It was my eldest granddaughters 5th birthday, I phoned her and wished her happy birthday and heard the excitement in her voice telling me of her presents and the people who would be sharing her precious day with her. All my family would be there, but not me.
I have to admit I did feel sorry for myself, but also sorry for her that I couldn't be there and see her enjoy her day.
So, I just slobbed about on the laptop all day, didn't get any of the things done I should have, for my personal growth, didn't do anything at all, not even the garden got watered.
It feels like a massive downer after those few positive days, but this time I'm going to try and get right back up there, and carry on.
Today I will try to regain my balance, go out with my therapist round the block, and all the other things I neglected yesterday.
By writing it down, I hope to seal it into my brain, as I do when I keep repeating over and over 'I don't suffer panic attacks', or 'it's no bother going out, it's fine'.
Please, brain, be good now.
My ears were more noisy yesterday, I have tinnitus, still continuing today, I always have noise but sometimes it's worse than others.
It was my eldest granddaughters 5th birthday, I phoned her and wished her happy birthday and heard the excitement in her voice telling me of her presents and the people who would be sharing her precious day with her. All my family would be there, but not me.
I have to admit I did feel sorry for myself, but also sorry for her that I couldn't be there and see her enjoy her day.
So, I just slobbed about on the laptop all day, didn't get any of the things done I should have, for my personal growth, didn't do anything at all, not even the garden got watered.
It feels like a massive downer after those few positive days, but this time I'm going to try and get right back up there, and carry on.
Today I will try to regain my balance, go out with my therapist round the block, and all the other things I neglected yesterday.
By writing it down, I hope to seal it into my brain, as I do when I keep repeating over and over 'I don't suffer panic attacks', or 'it's no bother going out, it's fine'.
Please, brain, be good now.
Sunday 1 May 2011
Good Day!
Well, I feel good again. The other day I felt good, but was so scared something bad would happen or I'd get a massive down because of it.
I'm not sure why I think that way, but I always have. Maybe it's because I feel I don't deserve it, or that's the way the universe works, or whatever, I've always felt the same.
Scared to look forward to good things, in case they don't happen, or I 'jinx' them by thinking positively.
On the other side of the scale, I do that thing, I've forgotten the word for it now, but it's like always believing that bad stuff will happen, always thinking the worst, that's an easy way to think.
To think positively is scary and hard.
But hopefully with practise, and more positive days to look back on where nothing bad happened because of it, I can learn that it's ok to feel positive and look forward to good things.
I will tag all my good days and take heart from them.
I'm not sure why I think that way, but I always have. Maybe it's because I feel I don't deserve it, or that's the way the universe works, or whatever, I've always felt the same.
Scared to look forward to good things, in case they don't happen, or I 'jinx' them by thinking positively.
On the other side of the scale, I do that thing, I've forgotten the word for it now, but it's like always believing that bad stuff will happen, always thinking the worst, that's an easy way to think.
To think positively is scary and hard.
But hopefully with practise, and more positive days to look back on where nothing bad happened because of it, I can learn that it's ok to feel positive and look forward to good things.
I will tag all my good days and take heart from them.
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