Quiet Time

I've been off line a bit with this blog and twitter, been busy with stuff and then just felt a bit down.

Had family argument, things said on both sides, but it puts me right back down to feeling like the crap mother I know I've been.

I know I deserve nothing from my children, but I'm lucky they love me and support me but the issues of the past can't help but sometimes to come up.

Please anyone reading this, if you have kids, please please try and stop drinking, it's the pits to be sober and know what you did to your kids by being drunk and stupid.

Please try.

Picture This

Sitting with my live in boyfriend, both drunk on a bottle of vodka each, but not drunk enough.

Look at the clock, panic, closing time, we've missed it.

We panic, we need more, thinks how to do this.

Go to a hotel, they're bound to have drink after hours.  So we go, drive, to the nearest hotel, 3 star, nice place, we rock up drunk, trying to appear sober.

Book room, ring room service, ask for bottle of Vodka, get told it's £50 a bottle, forget the reason why, but for fuck sakes, £50 a fucking bottle man.

What did we do?  We'd already paid over a ton for the room, we were that desperate we bought the bottle, and I added some Valium to the mix to at least get full benefit.

We were grubby, smelled of smoke, the guy looked disdainful, but left the bottle after being paid by cheque.

We started drinking, a row broke out, can't remember why, my live in boyfriend walked to the balcony, one floor up, next I heard crashing about in the trees below, I staggered up and looked over, saw him move and went back to lie on the bed to drink.  He had jumped over but didn't know why.

For some reason I locked him out of the room, didn't want him back.  He made his way back and started banging on the door, by this time I had emptied my pill bottle and hid the pills, throwing the empty bottle on the bed.  I don't know why.

I let him in, he looked at the bottle and swore, asked me if I'd taken them, I just gazed at him, I could have answered but didn't.  I don't know why.

He called an ambulance, lots of fuss early morning in hotel, they came and checked me out, I was ok.

I then slept.

We woke, feeling like death, stinking in clothes we'd slept in, stinking of booze and fags.  We crept out, got in the car and drove home.

I knew I had to face my kids then, and their looks of disappointment and disgust.  Felt like the worst shittiest mother in the world, basically I was.

That drink cost us near on £200, added to all the others caused a life time of regret.  That's insanity!!

Blip

Since the 2nd April when I had my bad day, I've been fine again.  I popped back up the very next day, so it seems maybe that my bad days aren't going on for so long as they used to.

Got a little balance back, but then today had rubbish stomach thing, felt totally fed up.  Thank goodness for the Internet and my twitter friends whose conversations with me and others kept me occupied while feeling poop.

My daughter phoned up and said to phone her if I felt bad and wanted someone to speak to, she's so kind hearted and I love her so much, along with my other grown up children, and then my friend brought me dinner up and that felt so nice he cared.

I just really want to say that although I felt bad today I was surrounded in caring and love and it felt so good.

xx

Bad Day

Yesterday was a bad day, I lost all my balance again.  Balance seems hard for me.  I know what  I should be doing, but I just don't do it.

My ears were more noisy yesterday, I have tinnitus, still continuing today, I always have noise but sometimes it's worse than others.

It was my eldest granddaughters 5th birthday, I phoned her and wished her happy birthday and heard the excitement in her voice telling me of her presents and the people who would be sharing her precious day with her.  All my family would be there, but not me.

I have to admit I did feel sorry for myself, but also sorry for her that I couldn't be there and see her enjoy her day.

So, I just slobbed about on the laptop all day, didn't get any of the things done I should have, for my personal growth, didn't do anything at all, not even the garden got watered.

It feels like a massive downer after those few positive days, but this time I'm going to try and get right back up there, and carry on.

Today I will try to regain my balance, go out with my therapist round the block, and all the other things I neglected yesterday.

By writing it down, I hope to seal it into my brain, as I do when I keep repeating over and over 'I don't suffer panic attacks', or 'it's no bother going out, it's fine'.

Please, brain, be good now.

Good Day!

Well, I feel good again.  The other day I felt good, but was so scared something bad would happen or I'd get a massive down because of it.

I'm not sure why I think that way, but I always have.  Maybe it's because I feel I don't deserve it, or that's the way the universe works, or whatever, I've always felt the same.

Scared to look forward to good things, in case they don't happen, or I 'jinx' them by thinking positively.

On the other side of the scale, I do that thing, I've forgotten the word for it now, but it's like always believing that bad stuff will happen, always thinking the worst, that's an easy way to think.

To think positively is scary and hard.

But hopefully with practise, and more positive days to look back on where nothing bad happened because of it, I can learn that it's ok to feel positive and look forward to good things.

I will tag all my good days and take heart from them.

Social Interaction

I'll probably ramble in this one, so here goes.

I'm nearly 60 years old but feel like a stupid kid in my ability to socially interact, or have one to one conversations.

That's where the drink helped, it got me over those awkward times.  I felt awkward until I'd had a few but once the drink kicked in I was fine, I could go up to anyone and start a conversation, could hold my own in company, or so I thought at the time.

In reality I sounded a dick, stupid, gauche, inept.

I never really learnt how to converse, from day one at school I hated it and got bullied, was never one of the smart or popular sets.  I stayed alone a lot.

My family moved a lot which didn't help, I didn't get on with my family, I felt the outcast, which I was.

After leaving school, I had a little bit of normality.  I got a job and a nice boyfriend, but also discovered blushing and spent most of my teens and early twenties trying to hide it with green tinted make up and just hiding myself away from everyone.

My boyfriend had to move back home, away from where we lived, for work.

I didn't have a proper boyfriend for a few years after that, or any friends.

Eventually I married and had children, but the man I married was much older than me, I think he was a father figure to me, and someone I felt safe with, but things happened which made me feel unsafe, so really I've never felt safe in my life.

He was a good man, as was my dad.

The worst thing happened and he died leaving me with two small children.  I tried really hard to make things the best as I could for them, wanting to shield them and love them more, to make up for this devastating thing that happened to them.

After about a year I went out for a night out with a friend, had a drink and it felt so good.  It took all the tenseness, anxiety, worry, sadness, fear and loathing of myself away.  For just that time I was drunk I felt good and happy.

This is the way I started, just one night of a weekend, and then maybe a quarter bottle in the week at home once the kids were in bed, and then I met the person who would be my second husband and the drinking started in earnest.  He made me feel even more stupid if that's possible.

There, I told you I would ramble but the point is that I never got to feel I had anything of worth to say.  I never got the hang of speaking to others where I felt equal, I always felt like a stupid child and they were the grown ups laughing at me.

Even now I shy away from any social contact, and luckily being agoraphobic I have very little of it, so if I say anything on my twitter stream or to you in messages or comments and it doesn't sound right, it's just because sometimes I don't know if I'm saying the right thing or not.

I write it, and read it, over and over, thinking does this sound stupid, patronising or just plain wrong.

So please forgive me if this happens, whatever I write is not meant in a bad way, it's probably just that I've got it wrong again.

AA

During my years as a drinking alcoholic, of course I tried AA, it's one of the most heavily advertised groups out there.

I phoned them, spoke to some nice people, got invited to groups, went along, but really and truthfully got nothing out of them.

All I can remember is the boredom of sitting there for so long, just waiting for people to stop standing up wanting to share, so that I could get to the offy and buy a drink.  Nothing said in the meetings hit me or held me or made me think I could be like them, nor did I want to be like them.  I wanted to be like me, but a sober me.

I didn't like the little sayings, they seemed smug, and still do, propped up on cards round gloomy rooms, usually in old churches reinforcing the spiritual tokenism which wasn't for me.

I know it's helped so many people, and I'm sure not putting it down, but there are other ways to get sober and I resent the way they say if you don't join AA you will not stop drinking.  If you're drowning in a hellish deep pit of despair, to hear that something you personally find annoying and no help at all, is the only thing that will get you sober, is pretty demoralising.

I really think they should stop saying that.  Unless they don't say it to everyone, but every meeting I went to they said it to me.

The people individually were pleasant, they meant well, some were kind, but the whole thing was too spiritual for me, I didn't believe in any higher power, I still don't.  I needed something tangible, something 'I' could believe in to hold on to at my bad times.

I found it in my family, as stated here, but I truly believe that AA is wrong if they are continuing to tell the lie that you can only stop drinking if you're with them.

To me it's like swapping one addiction for another, having to go to meetings once, or sometimes they say, twice a day.

We're all unique and AA doesn't work for all of us, for those it does work for then great, but we all should find our own way and AA maybe should state that there are other ways to stop.

Even the treatment centre I went to made us go to AA meetings once a week, I'd hide in the toilet till they'd gone, I just couldn't face it.

I had to hit my own rock bottom, I had to find my 'own' way of stopping, and I did and I hope that anyone reading this will truly believe that if AA isn't for them, then there are a million other ways to do it, just don't give up, it's possible, I know and a dear friend of mine has been sober for 15 years without AA.

My message is, AA is great if you like it and it works for you, but if not, YOU CAN DO IT WITHOUT AA.

A Good Day

Without the crutch of alcohol my agoraphobia increased with a vengeance.

For years my safe place outside the house was my car, but after sobriety, even that didn't feel safe.

My panic attacks were unbearable, so I stopped going out.

This was in 2004, and apart from three trips I've not been out of the house since.

TODAY I LEFT THE HOUSE!

After a year therapy I left the house today!  I collected my 'safe' things to take with me, as discussed with my therapist.  In my bag I dutifully placed a cold bottled drink, my mobile and Ipod, my hands were shaking as I did it, my heart was racing and I felt like crying, but I was determined to do it this time.

To beat my demons bit by bit.

My therapist arrived, I waited for her at the gate in a bit of a state.  I took a few deep breathes and said, 'ok, lets go'.

We did one circuit and I opted to go for one more, I was so pleased the panic feelings kept to a minimum.

I didn't need my bottle of water, mobile phone or ipod that I took as comfort 'toys'.

Sober, and a trip out in the car.

A great day!

Picture This

A room, shrouded in gloom, no one had bothered to put the lights on, it was semi dark and layers of thick smoke hung in the air.

Everything was stained yellow, the furnishings grubby, old and threadbare.  Two people sitting there, one man and one woman.

The woman on the chair, the man on the sofa, both had drink, glass, roll ups and over flowing ash trays to hand.

The woman had come from her home to drink, as this was her drinking buddy, someone she had met at the detox centre.  She had brought draught vodka, the cheapest you can get.  It tasted like paraffin, and took a good half the bottle till you couldn't taste it and didn't feel you were going to throw it back up.

The man was drinking special brew.  He had just staggered to the shops with his last pennies, bought the beer and nicked a tin of sardines.  It was one of those with a top like a cola can, where you flick it up and back and tear off the flip top.  He just about managed it after a few minutes of trying, the oil spilling over him.

He lifted it to his mouth, no plates, no cutlery, just tipped it up and the woman watched as the oil spilled down his chin onto his shirt and trousers, already dirty and grimy.  He managed to push the fish into his mouth with his fingers, half chewing and half gagging, taking swigs of special brew to get it down.

The woman continued to drink and roll up cigarettes, one after the other.  They both sat in stony silence, drinking, smoking and him trying to wipe the mess from himself with the back of his hand.

He gave up and continued to drink.

The woman looked around, looked at him, thought of her children, felt absolute despair, self loathing and hopelessness and would cut her arms later to hurt herself.  She hated herself and her life.

She loved her children, she had always wanted children, wanted to give them the best childhood, better than she had.  She wanted them to have security, love and happiness.

SO WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE DOING THERE?!

She cried self pitying tears.  Not realising even this was not her personal rock bottom.

That woman was me!

I still can't tell you after all these years how I didn't stop drinking then, or why I didn't.  I can't tell you how much I wished I had done.

How I stopped

This is for someone on my twitter page.  How I stopped drinking is possibly not going to help anyone as it's personal to me.

AA told me you will never stop unless it's for you, bullshit!!  8 years on and I did it for my family, and only for them.

Of course now I enjoy my sobriety but I'd be dishonest to say sometimes I don't wish for a drink when times get hard or I get stressed or anxious, but I only have to think of my children and grandchildren to know it's not an option.

At the beginning I cried so much, was in so much pain from not drinking, I felt like I was standing on the edge of a huge mountain with no safety net and no one to catch me.  It was lonely and scary.

I felt all bad emotions, anger that I couldn't drink, bitterness, sadness and the pain was unbearable but however bad I felt I just told myself 'shut the fuck up, you deserve all this pain for what you put your kids through with your drinking'.

That's basically how I got through each day.  I'd look at the clock, seeing it coming up to last orders at the off licence, drink shop, and think to myself, 'right only a few more minutes and I can't get a drink till tomorrow even if I wanted'.

That's one thing I took from AA, take it a day at a time or an hour at a time or a minute at a time, whatever helps.

My kids have been there for me from the start, they're more supportive than I ever deserve but they're there and love me and I'd never let them down again.

I really felt sorry for myself, I used to put the TV or music on loud and sit and cry I felt so bad, and the guilt was enormous and just made me feel like my heart was breaking that I'd been a drunk while my kids grew up, and even now I know that guilt will never leave me but I'm sober and that's what matters to me and to my kids and grandchildren.

Sorry if this is rambling but it's just how it came into my head, but hope it helps to know that I was a self pitying, crying wreck who couldn't have got on twitter or anywhere else and felt good and sounded happy like I've seen on there since joining so I think you're all doing great, and good luck, you can do it.

Love to you xx

Yesterday

Yesterday was a good day for my new blog and new twitter. I made a few nice friends on twitter, got my first follower on my bog and a comment. Cool!

This blog was actually the idea of my therapist, she suggested it some time ago, but I kept putting it off, like you do, well I do. I'm very glad now I pushed myself to set it up and the twitter account.

I want to just write randomly, my present thoughts and my past experiences. She thinks it will help me to connect to real people on the Internet, as opposed to not so real ones I come into contact with when I role play in game worlds.

I feel embarrassed to say I role play in a game, I'm way past the age for playing games but it kinda sucked me in and my addictive nature didn't help.

The Internet is a big thing in my life, it's where I do my socialising, shopping, studying, banking and yes even game playing.

I belong to one other Internet group which is real people, but mostly I type messages to a screen and get messages back from people I've never met, will never meet and don't use their own names, only game names.

Nice to meet all you 'real' people.

Twitter

Just joined twitter and met a few nice people already. If you come this way and read this blog, thanks for following me and I look forward to getting to know you and reading your tweets.



Lovely day in UK today, just grand for Easter. Hope everyone is enjoying the weather.

Spring

Lets concentrate on the good things in life. I'll post happy, sunny, light, thoughtful photo's, I hope you like them.

Don't ever think I'm trivialising or minimising what you're going through, or have been thought, it's hell, I know from experience, I'm just trying to give myself and others brightness, openness, maybe even something spiritual to look at and hope some positiveness in thoughts occurs, if not, just enjoy the pictures for what they are.

Hobbies

I've never been one for hobbies, or put it another way, I've never had a hobby that lasted more than about six months.

When I gave up drinking I decided I'd start to study as a hobby, I'd been thinking of it for some time but had neither the time or concentration to make it happen. Drinking and thinking about drinking took up much of my time.

I didn't think I'd 'stick at it', like I didn't really think I'd 'stick at' stopping drinking, but as much as I don't care for AA, I did work on 'one day at a time', sometimes at the beginning it was one minute at a time, it was that hard to get through it.

Anyway back to the studying, I started and didn't stop, which was a huge surprise to me. In fact, I'm still at it, either years down the line. I've collected a couple of diploma's and a degree and now working for my second. It's given me a focus, and at the beginning it gave me hours and hours that I could put my mind to something, shut off from drinking thoughts.

If you can find a hobby that you love or just want to try out a few different ones to see if something fits for you, I'd say give it a go, it's worth trying to get through days that you're mourning the loss of that very big thing called 'drink' that leaves many empty hours in a day.

I think this is why a lot of people go to AA, it fills a gap, but if AA doesn't do it for you, there are just so many things that will.



Hobbies, reading, studying, gardening, visiting friends, visiting new places or getting reaquainted with old ones, just sitting back and watching life from a sober point of view.

I know this all sounds easy peasy but believe me, I know how very very hard it is to do. I think we all have our reasons for stopping drinking, so use your reason for stopping, concentrate on it, live it, breath it, whatever you're suffering, however bad your withdrawels are, just keep breathing, and thinking of that reason and believe me it will pass, you can get there, you can get through it.

To me, when I look back, my life was black, bleak, lonely, sad and disgusting. I lost all moral values, I did disgusting things. I ended up a 'disgusting' individual.

To get back from that is hard, but it can be done. Please leave comments if you wish, lets help each other.

Second Day

Hello again!

I'll share my first drink with you. I was probably around 17 or so and a friend and myself thought we'd look pretty cool walking down to the local pub with arms hanging loose, one hand at the hip stuck out at right angles holding a very sophisticated cigarette. Oh yes, the ultra in coolness lol.

We went to the bar, feeling pretty self conscious, I didn't know what to order so followed my friend and went with a blackcurrant shandy, which is mostly lemonade, with a dash of lager and blackcurrant cordial. Another ultra cool moment.

We sat ourselves down, looking round at all the others who seemed quite at home, chatting and drinking. I hardly managed a couple of sips of my shandy as I was starting to feel a bit sick from the smokes. We walked back to her house, I went to lie down as I felt pretty rough by then, and promised myself that was my fling with the adult pleasures of smoking and drinking over and done with.

Little did I know that my last days of drinking would be chain smoking roll ups in nothing better than a dirty run down hole in the wall type drinking club, surrounded by dossers, down and outs and social misfits, all alcoholics like me.

I'm an alcoholic

Hi anyone who comes this way.

I'm an alcoholic, a recovering one for now. I'd like to connect with others, either drinking or non drinking to share experiences and give support to each other.

I've been in recovery now for just on eight years, and never thought it would happen for me.

I didn't do it with AA, and that's one of the things I'd like to state, that when I was trying to give up, I was told it was virtually impossible without AA, but I can tell you it's not impossible and I'd love to speak to others who have given up without AA, or even if you have used AA and continue to use it. I'd just love to speak to anyone, so please leave your comments and we can get a virtual meeting and support group going.

Take care