Social Interaction

I'll probably ramble in this one, so here goes.

I'm nearly 60 years old but feel like a stupid kid in my ability to socially interact, or have one to one conversations.

That's where the drink helped, it got me over those awkward times.  I felt awkward until I'd had a few but once the drink kicked in I was fine, I could go up to anyone and start a conversation, could hold my own in company, or so I thought at the time.

In reality I sounded a dick, stupid, gauche, inept.

I never really learnt how to converse, from day one at school I hated it and got bullied, was never one of the smart or popular sets.  I stayed alone a lot.

My family moved a lot which didn't help, I didn't get on with my family, I felt the outcast, which I was.

After leaving school, I had a little bit of normality.  I got a job and a nice boyfriend, but also discovered blushing and spent most of my teens and early twenties trying to hide it with green tinted make up and just hiding myself away from everyone.

My boyfriend had to move back home, away from where we lived, for work.

I didn't have a proper boyfriend for a few years after that, or any friends.

Eventually I married and had children, but the man I married was much older than me, I think he was a father figure to me, and someone I felt safe with, but things happened which made me feel unsafe, so really I've never felt safe in my life.

He was a good man, as was my dad.

The worst thing happened and he died leaving me with two small children.  I tried really hard to make things the best as I could for them, wanting to shield them and love them more, to make up for this devastating thing that happened to them.

After about a year I went out for a night out with a friend, had a drink and it felt so good.  It took all the tenseness, anxiety, worry, sadness, fear and loathing of myself away.  For just that time I was drunk I felt good and happy.

This is the way I started, just one night of a weekend, and then maybe a quarter bottle in the week at home once the kids were in bed, and then I met the person who would be my second husband and the drinking started in earnest.  He made me feel even more stupid if that's possible.

There, I told you I would ramble but the point is that I never got to feel I had anything of worth to say.  I never got the hang of speaking to others where I felt equal, I always felt like a stupid child and they were the grown ups laughing at me.

Even now I shy away from any social contact, and luckily being agoraphobic I have very little of it, so if I say anything on my twitter stream or to you in messages or comments and it doesn't sound right, it's just because sometimes I don't know if I'm saying the right thing or not.

I write it, and read it, over and over, thinking does this sound stupid, patronising or just plain wrong.

So please forgive me if this happens, whatever I write is not meant in a bad way, it's probably just that I've got it wrong again.